Cracker Barrel Rebrands to “Bottom of the Barrel,” Changes Nothing

LEBANON, TN – Cracker Barrel’s stock has been in a free fall since the CEO got honest with investors. Happy now, liberals?

“A CEO should never be honest – not with their employees, shareholders, and certainly not with the customer” says an unnamed, disgruntled shareholder.

Unhappy with the current state of affairs at the ol’ Barrel, CEO Sandra Cochran has a new plan: to change absolutely nothing. Well, nothing of value, that is.

“I am excited to announce we are officially changing our name to ‘Bottom of the Barrel,” Sandra told a rather sloth audience at a press conference.

In a non-exclusive interview forced by Lousy Human as CEO Sandra Cochran waited for her car to arrive (a dropped 2008 Honda Civic with Florida plates – really, Sandra?), the CEO had this to say: “Lousy? What? Get away from me!” our reporter sustained a taser injury.

During the press conference, Sandra explained that the identity and values at Cracker Barrel are that which reflect traditional American values and traditions – surface level changes, with no substantial change.

“Think of all the big movements in this country – have we seen any actionable change? This represents our apathy and lack of commitment to our customers – and our hope that they won’t notice. We’re giving a nose job to some bum with no personality. However, we can promise shiny new booths. American values at work. Oh, also, there’s an app now.”

The CEO said that while their investment will have no impact on the quality of the food, the price will be increasing due to the increased shine needed for the booths. Most of Cracker Barrel’s core demographic did not have much to say, since most of Cracker Barrel’s core demographic is dead.

When asked for more details at the press conference, Sandra explained that the company didn’t really care to comment. She also indicated the customer service email was becoming automated. The gift shop (the real reason to stop mid-highway) will stay, however. It will also need an app.

So, what is left at Cracker Barrel? If you are a veteran of a single digit war, then you may have intrigue. Otherwise, you’ll find something that used to be an institution across highways now looking rather bloated and confused.